It’s Christmas and, as the song says, “It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer.” As you can see, I gotta problem with Christmas music. So here are my rewritten Christmas carols.
It’s Christmas and, as the song says, “It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer.”
As you can see, I gotta problem with Christmas music.
So here are my rewritten Christmas carols.
I gotcha sugarplum right here, buddy!
You gotta dress warm to go walkin’ in a winter wonderland. If you can afford clothes this year.
Money talks, can you hear it?
Single payer? Dontcha fear it.
So says Barack.
He says it’s a fact.
We’re livin’ in a fiscal wonderland.
The money that they use will come from China
The deficit will grow by leaps and bounds.
The Senate and the House think that it’s finer
to rack the debt up than pay it down.
Going broke in Nebraska
out of work in Alaska
po’ in Arkansas,
while Barack works his jaw.
You’re livin’ in a fiscal wonderland.
Sarah Palin. What could be more Christmas-y than Sarah Palin in an elf suit cradling either a shotgun or a grandchild in her arms ... or, if you’ve been good, maybe both! Palin is so cool, she’s “Frosty.”
She’s Sarah Palin
She’s a pitbull full of fun
Though she’s obtuse, we say turn her loose
‘cause we love to watch her run.
She can kill and skin a caribou.
She’s a brilliant frontier cook.
And chewing on a caribou
sure beats reading her book.
Oh, she’s Sarah Palin,
Paris Hilton from the right.
She politically a celebrity
and she haunts our dreams at night.
Husband or wife just sent BACK overseas? You ain’t alone. Looks like he or she won’t be “home for Christmas.”
I won’t be home for Christmas.
It’s deployment number three.
Afghanistan or Iraq again, it’s all the same to me.
I swore to serve my country
but I didn’t know.
I wouldn’t be home for Christmas
for the next five years or so.
What do we want for Christmas? Well, if you live in community that has laid off some cops because of the recession, you might join Mariah Carey in a slightly different version of “All I want For Christmas...”
I don’t want a lot for Christmas
maybe just a couple cops
someone who will bust and cuff the
scum crack dealers on my block
I just want my neighborhood
to be at least semi-good.
Make my wish come true
Please send me a copper or two.
I don’t want to stay up waiting
when I call the freakin’ cops
My ‘hood is disintegrating
guys are selling meth and rock
Stimulus money helps, it’s true.
But it’ll run out when the year is through.
Make my dreams come true
Please send me a copper or two.
“Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas?” I don’t think so. Let’s just say America is starring in an endless (and pointless) rap video. Even running for the suburbs doesn’t guarantee anything THESE days.
It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, everywhere you go
Take a look in the local park, don’t go there after dark.
The junkies there will rob you don’t you know
It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, they just robbed your local store.
But the scariest sight to see is the drive-by that will be at your own front door
A pair of Timbaland boots and a pistol that shoots are the wish of Barney
and Ben.
A tattoo that’s obscene and a kid at 15 is the hope of Janice and Jen.
And Mom and Dad are raising bail again.
It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, everywhere you go.
The factory’s closing down, there’s no stores left downtown.
The dollar store’s the only store we know.
It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, work is out of style.
And the folks we elect to run the country are having fun.
Living in denial.
And me? I’m the biggest Little Drummer Boy you ever saw. Lemme play you a little something ... on my drum.
I bought a wedding ring
pa rum pum pum pum
I married in the spring
pa rum pum pum pum
And now it’s Christmas time
pa rum, pum pum pum
and I ain’t got a dime
pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum
I can’t afford to drink
pa rum pum pum pum
This cheap cigar sure stinks
pa rum pum pum
My friends all laugh at me
pa rum pum pum pum
Because I once was free
pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum
Now I’m all done
The Herald News